Ranting Virgo

Nearly Summer Update

2011-05-02T22:53:00.002-04:00

I have an early morning event so I should really be in bed right now but ...

Updates:

Kids are doing great. Jacob just celebrated his 3rd birthday and is a perfect little man. His attention to detail and understanding, adherence to and enforcement of the rules in entertaining if not endearing. Rylee is my little copycat who will not settle for following in her brother's footsteps. She truly believes her birthday this summer will be her 3rd and sometimes she even has me convinced.

Beau just celebrated his 3oumishhmmm birthday (I can't reveal his secrets) and has entered the phase of not understanding why his body is rebelling against him. Thirties are not like twenties. That is for sure!

Work is challenging and keeps me more than busy but is also fulfilling. I've been dealing with some tough stuff lately but am learning and growing which makes it worth it.

I'm scheduled for classes beginning in the next week or so we'll see how I'm going to juggle my newest endeavor. Wish me luck.

I've lost 30 lbs since February and am very tickled with the results. It isn't terribly difficult to maintain though Jacob's party weekend was a challenge. The weeks mean routine which helps but the weekends can be killer.

Congrats to Dana on graduating from Dental Assisting school and good luck to her in finding her first job!

Nearly Spring Update

2011-02-13T19:50:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned I'm best when I'm busy. Apparently I only have time to post when I'm busiest. Strange.

The last few hours/days/weeks/months have been very busy as promised. Quick summary:

Today I taught myself to use the sewing machine I've had for 5 years. Beau and I reupholstered the dining room chairs and I made washable runners for each chair in anticipation of the mess the kids or cats would make. As expected, Rylee raviolied one of the runners at dinner so it is headed for the wash.
The kids started their new school this month and are loving it.
I started weight watchers 2 weeks ago and am down 6.6 lbs so far. In some ways it is easier than I expected, in some ways much harder. I miss the drinks more than the food.
I entered an exercise competition at work where teams accumulate miles of exercises. At the moment I'm a little sore but in general I feel healthier than I have in a long long time.
Dana has moved in with us temporarily while attending school for the next few months. It is very nice to have an extra set of hands.

The kids are great and are growing every day. Rylee is potty training (happy joy) and has only had one accident per day for the last two days. Jacob is becoming quite the little orator. The strangest things come out of his mouth (for a two-year-old). The other day he asked Beau if "that is absolutely necessary."

Today I didn't turn the tv on until late afternoon and the day lasted forever. I got so much done, and so much needed to get done. I've toyed with an idea for a while of cutting off the cable but was worried about how I'd fill the time since I'm a bit of a tv junkie. Today I'm seriously thinking about it. It would probably cut $100 a month off my bills and give me 40 hours a week of my life back. I'm not seeing any downside to this.

Tim for a few more minutes with the kids before bedtime. Good night.

Fall Update - I'm best when I'm busy

2010-11-28T21:50:00.003-05:00

As we move into the winter months I anticipate a lot of planning, traveling, spending time with family, spending money on gifts ... always a very busy and hectic time. By spring, I am usually tapped out and blue. Some of it is fatigue, some of it is the lack of sunlight. I always feel the worst right as the sun starts to shine again.

This will be the most hectic year yet, with two small kids and a lot of places to go and people to see (and pets to board). Just got back from Thanksgiving in VA, will have Christmas in Raleigh, then maybe? VA. New Years in Maryland. Easter in Orlando. (In case of apocalyptic event, you can find me in Mississippi (if you can find me.))

You'd think that would be a full plate. Nah ... let me bite off a little more. Work is slammed, I'm getting things lined up to go back to school and I'm going to really, truly (for real this time) figure out a way to get out of this house and into one that better suits our needs.

I'm best when I'm busy.

Speaking of which ... tree is up, 90% of gifts bought, 80% of bought gifts wrapped. Two gifts seem to be tempting the children so I'm interested to see how long they stay wrapped. I worked very hard yesterday and rested very hard today. I left a lot of laundry and cleaning undone that I'll pay for tomorrow. As long as I can find something for me and the kidlets to wear tomorrow I'll be fine :) Off to solve that puzzle.

Wow how time flies

2010-08-23T23:28:00.003-04:00

I had no idea it had been so long since I updated. I've been busy but I didn't realize I've been THAT busy.

I'll try to do better. But for tonight, I haven't forgotten about you and I'll be back soon.

Probably ... :)

Why my kids hate me today.

2010-05-13T21:48:00.004-04:00

I just finished two wine coolers and a bag of chips and I still don't feel better. It is one of those days and it is the worst kind of one of those days. It is not bad enough that anyone will feel sorry for me but it is bad enough that I feel really sorry for myself. And I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself.

Hey hon, could you fetch me another wine cooler?

Rylee hates me because I let her cry herself to sleep tonight for the first time. I've been trying to do it for months and even tonight I doubted myself and prolonged it unnecessarily by "rescuing" her repeatedly. She is now sleeping soundly and is probably dreaming of sticking pins in a Mommy voo-doo doll. If she's not, her brother is.

Today Jacob got his glasses that I have been dreading since Monday. At the office he allowed Linda, a stranger, to put them on him repeatedly. He seemed interested in actually being able to see for the first time. (His idiot mother didn't realize he had horrible vision for two years.) It was all fun and games until we got home at which point Mommy and Daddy had to hold him down and brutalize him to get him in them and had to repeat the trauma hourly as he took them off. When he finally gave up the fight, what was his signal of defeat? Reaching for Daddy to hold him and make it all better.

Mommy can shut up and go to Hell.

Speaking of Mommy going to Hell, Rylee is crying again and I don't know whether to rescue her or let her cry it out for a fourth time tonight.

Hey hon, can you make it a double?

Wow do I feel insignificant

2010-04-26T15:51:00.002-04:00

There are benefits to facebook and then there are times when it makes you feel tiny tiny tiny. Like when you request to be added and realize after a few weeks they've added others but not you. And then times like these ....

from general comments on facebook from Beth to Libby:

Beth Anderson Edwards OMG, I searched for you! I even added someone whose name was Elizabeth Ann because I thought it might be you and wasn't sure of your last name. You look beautiful!! John Davis is absolutely previous Libby. I'm so glad you found me! I've thought of you often! Keep in touch!

Time flies

2010-04-02T20:07:00.002-04:00

Hello father.
It has been nearly a month since my last confession.
This isn't how blogs are supposed to feel but man do I feel guilty for waiting so long to post. I have excuses though ... good excuses.

Work is crazy busy. Work is always crazy busy. I stayed at home today to get caught up on the paperwork that I just can't handle in office. My in office time is all about relationships and firefighting. It always has been but now that my job involves a liasion function in addition to managing the largest part of the finance team, there are more people to see and service during the day. I've never been a big believer in work from home but it paid off for me today.

Outside of work, life is crazy. But it is always crazy - at least at my house. Jacob - excuse me, Buddy, is into the terrible twos a few months early. He absolutely understands everything I say and clearly recognizes the boundaries that he commonly tramples all over. After bragging for months about how well-behaved he is, a switch flipped and now I have to clearly define what offenses are spank-worthy because I find myself threatening spankings a lot. Rylee follows along behind him and repeats whatever peskiness I have just disengaged him from like his little shadow.

The kids take up my time but my mind and heart are heavy with thoughts of my Danville family. My father is still working through my grandmother's estate and the auction of her belongings will happen next week, the day before his birthday. My aunt whose house burned down ended up in the hospital for two weeks with drug resistant pnemonia. The blessing there is that she has a place to stay as her charitable housing expired the day after she entered the hospital. My stepfather has found out that he will not recover from his work injury sufficiently to return to his job but his worker's compensation case is still in a rejected status. Finally, my surviving grandmother is in the hospital recovering from an emergency hip replacement. She's reacting poorly to the medication and has been having daily close calls due to drug reactions stressing her congestive heart failure. I worry about the stress on my mother with her husband, sister and mother all suffering. Being a state away I feel helpless to take any of the stress away.

I'm driving home tomorrow to make sure everyone is okay and see if there is anything I can do to help. I hope things are better than I expect them to be. That would be a kind surprise.

If I do say so myself

2010-03-11T21:37:00.001-05:00

I kicked butt today. Big time. Covered Nonni starting at 2, headed home and kept up on work, handled both kids, cooked dinner (which kind of sucked) and cleaned 80% of the house. If I hadn't run out of hangers I would even have finished all the laundry.

My back hurts and I'm about to fall asleep where I sit but I had to take a minute to pat myself on the back for today. I wish I had the energy and time to do this every day.

Being realistic

2010-03-08T10:38:00.003-05:00

When I had a blog before I updated nearly daily, at the very least three or four times a week. Being realistic, that is not going to happen again, not for a very long time. And if my life slows up enough to post daily, I probably won't have anything worth blogging about going on.

Notable update: Jacob had a hearing test as part of the Early Intervention program we're participating due to his being red flagged for autism and evaluated to have slight developmental delay. These findings were based on his speech delay and his lack of interest in other children. (since that time he has enrolled in day care and interacts just fine with other kids).

Hearing test results show he has moderate hearing loss. Likely temporary but we don't know yet.

I've got an appointment with his medical doctor this week to discuss how we address his hearing loss and to find out why the hell they flagged him as autistic and had us treat that for 6 months before doing a simple hearing test. We've been giving him the wrong treatment that has delayed his development time even more.

I'm a tad bit pissed, though relieved to know that his deficiency is limited to hearing and that it can likely be addressed easily and without permanent loss.

In other news, I've been working on my 2010 goals and have been a little disappointed in myself about my weight loss. To eat properly you need to plan and to plan you have to have time, which I don't. So it never works out. You also need time to exercise so I have a double issue to overcome. I hate my body. It interferes with my self-esteem which interferes with other parts of my life and I know it is important that I lose weight and get healthier for all those reasons. But at the end of the day, there isn't enough left for me to do what I need to do. I'm really really really mad at myself about it.

But.

Then I looked at what I AM doing.

1. Catching Jacob up on his verbal skills - Despite everything that may or may not be going on with his development and hearing, Jacob is making great strides with his receptive and expressive speech. I'd venture to say he's back in the normal range at this point. This actually does require effort and time and thought to make sure we're repeating appropriately, not giving in to his pointing, maintaining positive reinforcement, taking opportunities to teach new words - oh, and don't forget we have another kid we're trying to teach a whole different set of skills to

2. Do something charitable each month - I've kept up with this, sometimes doing three or four things and I've got my charitable donation ready for March, I just need to get it in the car and get it where it is going.

3. Ready 10 books - I did 1. I've got time to catch up. I've got 2 beach trips planned which should allow for catch up time.

4/5/6 Pay off debts - 2 of the 3 are paid off. We're on track to pay off the 3rd and an additional one or two debts this year. While doing this I have set aside funds for 2 beach trips - one was unplanned and expensive and funds for Beau to travel to CA for a wedding that was unplanned. With two kids that grow like weeds, birthdays, travel, needy pets and everything else that goes on, this is a huge accomplishment. I have to say I'm very proud of us - because Beau plays a big part!

7. Lose 25 lbs - :(

8. Be a better wife - :( I am trying to be more patience, constructive and communicative but I still have a long way to go across the board.

9. Be more professional at work - I'm nailing this one as well. Now that the habit has been formed it is much easier to make this happen. The biggest effort is getting to work on time and not in my pajamas. And it has paid off. I got a promotion this month and am on a path to keep growing.

10. No texting/emailing while driving - I struggle but I'm focusing on this and am doing much much better.

11. Be positive - like work, this is easier the more I do it. Right now I'm trying to be positive with myself by seeing the goals I am achieving and not focusing on the ones I haven't worked out yet.

12. Keep a cleaner house - I've got a plan. Let's see if it works.

13. Do a weekly out of work activity with Kati - so far so good.

I'm knocking a bunch of these out of the ball park so though I'm going to continue to try and work on my weight, I'm going to be realistic and not overlook all the progress I'm making in other areas. I cannot spread myself but so thin and once my debt is looking better and some other things are squared away, I may have more time and energy to focus on weight. And that is okay.

In addition, I've got 5 other people on board with goals for the year and we're working collectively to help each other see the finish line. I've played a part in them improving their lives and that has to count for something.

and your time starts now ...

2010-02-23T22:32:00.002-05:00

It has been forever since I've updated and it is simply from lack of time. That said, this will be quick because I have no time. I just finished visiting with family and chores and work still need to be done before I crawl into bed for a few hours sleep before the baby wakes me up.

My life is busy. It can be overwhelming. Actually, it is often overwhelming for me. I had backed off work for a while and basically left the office at the office but those days have passed (got a promotion) and I now have an hour or five to finish up at home before bedtime. Strangely, the babies and the chores still want to get tended to so I have to pull those extra hours out of thin air. It is tough but I'll hit my groove and figure out a way to handle it all.

As tough as it feels to fit it all in, my hands are full and overflowing with blessings. I have a job to do, a family to tend, chores to maintain stuff that I own, family to help, friends to call (or call back when I have to rush off the phone because of screaming children). I'd much rather be in my position of having too much to handle than to be in the position to lose any of it. So many people have so little and I have so much.

Jacob's hearing exam indicates he has moderate hearing loss. Temporary I think (fluid in his ears). This explains his delayed speech and is a much better diagnosis than Autism. I have mixed feelings about this. I am glad to know his issues are hearing related rather than developmental but I'm pretty furious that we've been freaking out and worried for months about autism because the pediatrician didn't think to do a hearing test when his speech was delayed and instead threw the red flag on him. I've got an appointment to figure out what we do now and to confront them on what happened.

And finally, I found out this week my aunt's house burned down. She and her family lost it all, nothing was salvageable though no one was hurt. The did not have homeowner's insurance. They are disabled and have no income to speak of. Currently they are staying with friends but I have no idea where they go from here. I am so thankful for their safety and so worried about their future. They lost their daughter a few years ago and have barely had a day's peace since that time. My heart breaks for them.

Can't think of a good title

2010-02-04T07:08:00.001-05:00

I'll be happy for the sunshine to come out again. All the gloomy weather and maybe some other hidden culprit have me a little down; feeling a little lacking. There is a central theme, which is rather bizarre given some changes that are imminent, but it's bleeding over into other areas.

As a side-bar to my 2010 goals, Beau and I listed our TOP 5 Life Goals (as of now). I have never done that and in general my choices surprised me a bit. One in particular came out of nowhere:

1. Wealth
2. To be well thought of, well liked, well respected and connected
3. To provide education and experience to give our children an advantage towards a good life
4. To be with a partner who inspires and fulfills me
5. To get my PHd

PHd ... where the hell did that come from?

The alternate to that one is to travel extensively which makes more sense and is much more realistic but in looking at my two options, I kicked travel to the curb.

The PHd idea is a new one and I'm not sure how long it will stick around. It is rather random and the PHd I want isn't even in my career field.

I'm an accountant. But that isn't really true. I manage an accounting department but I'm much better at managing than I am at accounting. I've managed customer service groups, accounting groups, sales groups, production groups ... you name it, that's what I'm good at. And what I enjoy most about it is the psychological aspect of working with people. I enjoy people and seeing them succeed. That is where I get my jollies.

Lately I've toyed with the idea of going back to school for Psychology. And this is where the PHd idea came from. It is a not a realistic option to even consider pursuing for a number of years. I have no time and no money. But I feel drawn to it so it made the list.

Back in the real world, the organization I work for is very focused on titles and credentials. It makes sense because we're a credentialing organization. But it is hard to work there without a ton of letters strung behind your name and it is constantly reinforced in org charts and with surveys and inventories of who has what credentials that get published and circulated. Results do matter but not at those fairly common moments when we're talking about degrees and credentials AGAIN.

I have a bachelors and I have an MBA but neither are from a school I'd show off with a sweatshirt. My MBA is consolidated from random classes taken over time and isn't something I'm even proud of or talk about but it's a topic of conversation lately because we're being inventoried for credentials again. I'm sensitive about it and where normally I wouldn't feel inferior to my peers, I'm wanting to crawl into the corner and turn invisible. I want to turn back time and make different decisions about my education. And it is strange because I have always been a firm believer that experience is more important than education. I don't put a huge amount of faith in that piece of paper that tells me how smart you are. But I do recognize other people do.

At a point in time where I'm excelling at my job, I feel shame for who I am - not for the job I do but for who I am and what credentials I don't have. I've got my topic for my dissertation if I ever make it that far ...

In addition to being under-credentialed, I am also fat and lazy and have dumb hair.

I don't want to jinx it

2010-01-28T21:09:00.001-05:00

But this week has been going exceptionally well. I'm even a little bit tickled about the foot of snow that is coming our way and believe me, that's a first.

General Update somewhere around the 22nd or 23rd of January

2010-01-24T12:17:00.003-05:00

I had a really really good week. I still have some goal areas challenging me but I feel accomplished in several key areas.

I believe I'm getting ready to enter a transitional period. If I can keep my will and wits about me and endure the toughness of change, I will come out a better person. It will be hard, exceptionally hard but not living deliberately and decisively just leaves too much to chance ...

Here's the latest on my 2010 Goals
1. Catch Jacob up on his verbal skills (Y/n) - Jacob had the best week ever at school. He still cries in the morning but I can see he trusts his teacher so that puts me at ease. He has been exceptionally whiny but I think it is actually emotional growth. He's doing great with his signing and is learning new signs at school that we don't understand. I guess I need to do some homework as well

2. Do something charitable each month (1/12) - I've done at least 3 charitable things this month so I am good and covered here. It feels good :)

3. Read 10 books (0/10) - I've got 3 I'm working on, just have to find time to complete one! I'm getting there!

4. Pay off the Chase card (500/2,000)
5. Pay off Beau's car (350/1,000) - PAID OFF
6. Pay off Amex (500/11,000)

7. Lose 25 lbs (2.5/25) - I did 20 minutes on the treadmill twice this week AND had water with dinner last night. This stuff sucks.

8. Be a better wife (y/N) - I think I did some good things, did some bad things and effectively netted out to zero on this one

9. Be more professional at work (Y/n) - I handled two headaches exceptionally well this week and likely improved a poor relationship and salvaged another one that was challenged.

10. Stop texting/emailing while driving (y/N) - This is my key goal for next week.

11. Be positive (Y/n) - Much improved this week!

12. Keep a cleaner house (y/N) - Drowning in laundry :(

Grumble

2010-01-16T18:18:00.002-05:00

Some people are just worthless. Worthless. Worthless.

(That may sound negative but if you knew the situation you'd say I'm letting the worthless person off easy so I'm not going to count this against my being positive.)

Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.

In other news, someone unrelated is being a jerk to me. I'm going to make that person cookies Monday and deliver them Tuesday. Kill them with kindness is better than killing them, right? (kidding)

General Update 1.15.10

2010-01-15T16:35:00.003-05:00

I got fussed at today for not updating so at least one person must be reading ...

In general things are quiet but busy. This is good news :) I did have something happen today that got me thinking so I can share that.

I'm confrontational. For good or for bad I have a hard time just walking away or letting things lie. Whether it is something brewing around me or others, if I hear rumblings, I call them out into the open. The problem is that occassionally those rumblings would have died off and become non-issues but I make them issues. I've been trying to leave things alone, especially at work and let others raise issues formally before I attempt to resolve and for the most part it has been working. If they don't care enough to bring them to the right person, they usually don't care enough to keep bitching about them for very long. The drama factor in my life is at a minimum and I like it that way.

Let me repeat that. The drama factor in my life is at a minimum and I like it that way. If I say it enough I may actually listen to myself and not create unneccesary issues.

I was out of work for a week for my Grandmother's passing. Today someone told me that someone else dropped by looking for me while I was out and because she couldn't find me, she parked her butt in another office and bitched about how she was given all this work that isn't even hers and I'm not here when I should be handling. I didn't give her the work, her boss did. It is NOT my work and wouldn't have been even if I was here. This person does this all the time to everyone and has weak credibility as far as this goes at best but it still irks me and I still want to approach her about it. But I know better. I know I should let it go. So I will ... probably ... but it's hard. Defamation I say ...

Here's the latest on my 2010 Goals
1. Catch Jacob up on his verbal skills (Y/n) - Jacob is doing exceptionally well. His vocabulary is growing but I am noticing that he seems to know what he wants to say but has some difficulty getting it out. He can say something perfectly today and stumble over it tomorrow. I need to call and schedule his speech therapy eval. I left a message but they didn't call back.

2. Do something charitable each month (1/12) - I've done at least 3 charitable things this month so I am good and covered here. It feels good :)

3. Read 10 books (0/10) - I've got 3 I'm working on, just have to find time to complete one!

4. Pay off the Chase card (377.51/2,000)
5. Pay off Beau's car (350/1,000)
6. Pay off Amex (250/11,000)
Yeah! I'll pay off Beau's car the next time I pay bills :)

7. Lose 25 lbs (-2.5/25) - Not so good :(

8. Be a better wife (Y/n) - at least for today :)

9. Be more professional at work (Y/n) - I still have a lot of room for improvement but I'm getting there.

10. Stop texting/emailing while driving (Y/n) - Improved this week!

11. Be positive (Y/n) - Much improved this week!

12. Keep a cleaner house (y/N) - Drowning in laundry :(

What comes next

2010-01-09T22:03:00.003-05:00

I've been putting off posting because I'm quite emotional at the moment. I got home yesterday after a week in Danville mourning the passing of my grandmother. I enjoyed spending time with most of my family but it was still one of the toughest things I've experienced. In addition to the pain of loss there are too many glimpses at the worst of us that come out when things like this happen. I definately was not my best.

I see a bright side. I see opportunities. I see doors closed that needed to be closed. I see many doors waiting to be opened. At least for me ....

---2010 List Status---
1. Catch Jacob up on his verbal skills (Y/n)
Jacob is doing exceptionally well. He is picking up new words daily and his comprehension of what we're saying is increasing as well. Even with the disruption to his schedule this week he has progressed. His teacher said he had an excellent first week of school. I am thrilled!

2. Do something charitable each month (1/12)
January - donated coat for homeless, donated baby clothes to needy family

3. Read 10 books (0/10)
I'm working on 3 at the moment.

4. Pay off the Chase card (377.51/2,000)
5. Pay off Beau's car (0/1,000)
6. Pay off Amex (249.90/11,000)
7. Lose 25 lbs (4/25)
Haven't done anything on these yet.

8. Be a better wife (y/N)
My focus this week was on taking care of my extended family and Beau got the short end of the stick.

9. Be more professional at work (y/N)
I have to actually be at work for this to happen.

10. Stop texting/emailing while driving (y/N!!!)
I was a very bad girl this week.

11. Be positive (y/N!!!)
I failed miserably with this item this week. Miserably.

12. Keep a cleaner house (y/N)
It is cleaner but I had nothing to do with it.

Sad Day

2010-01-04T23:04:00.002-05:00

I knew this would be a big week but I was unprepared for the phone call today letting me know my grandmother, Doris Pinekenstein, had passed away. Very unprepared.

She was 87 so the thought that we would lose her had crossed my mind but she was healthy and well - except for cataracts, allergies and a nagging sinus infection. Just a week ago she was picking up my toddler and carrying him around while giving (and getting) hugs and kisses. She loved my kids and my kids loved her.

I don't deal well with death. Denial is my tool of choice. I always think a mistake has been made even when it's obvious that hasn't happened. Right now I'm finding it hard to imagine a trip to Danville without seeing her. I'm not able to wrap my head around her being gone when I was with her just a week ago. I can visualize her clearly so she must still be there. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

The realization is starting to set in and when I go home tomorrow I will be faced with the truth and it will hurt even more than it does tonight. I'll see my dad's heart break and it will make it that much worse. I'm not looking forward to it but it's what I need to do.

Goodbye Grandma. You were a beautiful, sharp and classy lady and I'll miss you.

Big week

2010-01-02T22:13:00.003-05:00

I've got one more day before the real world resumes and this week is a very important one. Monday Jacob starts pre-school. I'm excited for him. Everyone feels like this is the challenge he needs to play catch up in the areas we've been concerned about. I am also a little scared. I've never handed my baby over to strangers before and I already know he's going to be frightened and cling to me when I try to leave. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to survive that.

Tuesday will be a big day as well. We'll meet with the developmental therapist for the first time. I'm not exactly sure what she'll work on with him but it is something "they" feel he needs. We still have to have his hearing test and speech therapy evaluation which I'm almost certain will result in the need for speech therapy. I hope we don't overwhelm him.

Rylee will have a big week as well. She'll get to be an only child for much of the week as Jacob starts school. I'm very interested to see the impact it has on her as well. She's such a sweetheart and is so engaged these days. I expect to see her blossom right along with her brother.

2010 List Final

2010-01-02T21:06:00.002-05:00

1. Catch Jacob up on his verbal skills (y/n)
2. Do something charitable each month (0/12)
3. Read 10 books (0/10)
4. Pay off the Chase card (0/2,000)
5. Pay off Beau's car (0/1,000)
6. Pay off Amex (0/11,000)
7. Lose 25 lbs (0/25)
8. Be a better wife (y/n)
9. Be more professional at work (y/n)
10. Stop texting/emailing while driving (y/n)
11. Be positive (y/n)
12. Keep a cleaner house (y/n)

I can't wait to start marking items off my list :)

2010 List

2009-12-27T23:33:00.002-05:00

I like having specific goals to help me prioritize how to spend my energy. My newest motivational tool is my 2010 List (of stuff to accomplish before the end of the year). I'm recruiting as many people as I can to do this with me to help me stay motivated and to help others meet their goals.

1. Catch Jacob up on his verbal skills
2. Do something Charitable each month
3. Read 10 books
4. Pay off the Chase card
5. Pay off Beau's car
6. Pay off Amex
7. Lose 25 lbs
8. Be a better wife
9. Be more professional at work
10. Stop texting/emailing while driving

I'm not sure if the list is complete but that's it for the moment. I'm super excited about this and I can't wait to update as I mark items off the list. I'm already thinking about my lists for future years. Next year will be a huge year:

2011
1. Sell the house
2. Buy a new house
3. Update tattoos
4. Pick a new program for going back to school

2012
1. Start school

wow

2009-12-26T22:35:00.001-05:00

It has been a wonderful Christmas and everyone is ridiculously generous. It is touching and unbelievable.

Thank you. Everyone.

Realization

2009-12-15T22:45:00.003-05:00

I read back through all my posts last night and wow - do I whine! Reading this, I'd think I was a miserable person who is generally unhappy and honestly, nothing could be farther from the truth. I spend my evenings blowing off my chores to play with my kids until bedtime and there is nothing else I'd rather be doing. I guess I just use this to vent ... and boy do I vent.

I apologize to anyone reading because I'm not demonstrating any of the joy of being who I am and walking in my shoes, which is strange because my life is full of joy. Even the frustrating parts of my life are rolled in powdered sugar :)

Today I was asked who my "mentor" is. I can honestly say at this point I don't have ONE. I believe I respect the strongest traits of many people and depending on what is going on in my life and what areas I need to grow in, I try to model those traits in those individuals at that time.

For example, currently, thanks to Facebook, there is an individual I went to school with but didn't know well who is dealing with some very challenging situations in her life. Her primary challenge is not likely to improve significantly and as it pertains to the health of one of her children it is going to be a lifelong struggle for her. I am not sure how she handles it all but she does and she does so gracefully. In fact, she thanks God for her blessings all day long and almost never has a word of complaint. In her shoes, I can't imagine where I'd find the strength to manage basic functionality and she lives circles around me with smiles to spare. She inspires me. If she can tackle her day, which is much busier and more stressful than mine and end it with thanks and praise then there is no reason why I cannot do the same and be a better, more at peace person for it.

So for today, she is my mentor, and her grace, poise and positive attitude inspire me to be a better person.

http://ourjourney-ew.blogspot.com/

Pre Christmas Update

2009-12-14T22:58:00.002-05:00

The weather's got me a bit blue but in general things are good and quiet. We like quiet.

The kids are doing well and we're mostly over the yucky colds we've been fighting for the past few weeks. Though it seems more hype than reality, I'm still paranoid about H1N1 and the impact it could have on our fragile little babies so every little sniffle causes me a bit of stress.

Rylee is sitting up now and growing like a weed. She plays with Jacob's toys, much to his dismay, and is doing what I guess some would call eating solid foods. It's more like smearing it all over her face but she loves it and it's not for nutritional value at this point anyway. She also is learning to scream to get what she wants which keeps us on our toes. Her best trick is her refusal to sleep in her own bed. Her tolerance for it is about 10 minutes but if we lay her in our bed, she quickly relaxes and falls to sleep - even if we're not with her. This smells like a scam to me. Maybe she's ready for a big girl bed already.

Jacob has slowed down on his talking. We're pretty much back where we started though he throws "mama" around like a champ to get what he wants. He'll pick up new words every so often but quickly ditches them for his old stand-bys (Hi There and Bye There). He has gotten a lot better with identifying pictures in books (one of the areas of concern). Some days he is dead on with each question we ask - where is the duck, can you show me his feet, etc. Some days he randomly points at things regardless of what you ask. Tonight I let him pick the book he wanted to read for bedtime and he was so excited that he picked two books. It is exciting to me to see him get so excited about his books. Knowing he's interested in words and in reading helps to keep me sane when I start to worry.

And I know there is no need to worry. He's consistently using sign language for things he can't express verbally - namely "more" and "all done." He CAN communicate, he just isn't ready to do it verbally. This means everything will be fine. It's just hard to remember that when you're a crazy hormonal female.

Goodnight all ....

Time Flies

2009-12-07T22:48:00.005-05:00

I just uploaded photos and ordered my Christmas cards for the year. I ordered 20. I'm sure that's not enough but we'll hit the top of the list and not worry about the rest. I'll honestly be lucky to get them in the mail at all (for the past 2 years I've bought but not mailed Christmas cards, Mother's Day Cards, Thank you cards. It is becoming "a thing.")

I can remember when it took a year for a year to pass. Now I blink and we're racing through another month. A week ago I was counting hours until Rylee was born. Now she is sitting up, jabbering and playing with the toys Jacob played with when he was learning to walk which was only yesterday. Or so it seems anyway.

Luckily the dust has settled on the Autism scare - Jacob has been cleared and is NOT autistic, just stubborn. I've been able to enjoy having only the normal day to day stress a mother of 2 under 2. Work is about a 5 or 6 on the stress scale; mostly fear of the unknown as changes are being planned but not discussed. Chores around the house stay behind and I'm never sure if we'll have clean clothes to wear the next day but somehow it always works out.

This weekend the family was on house arrest with colds and we got our Christmas tree put up and all our gifts wrapped (at least for the moment). This was a huge accomplisment since I had one little Elf in a pouch attached to my body the entire time and Santa's little helper taking ornaments off the tree and adding random treasures to gift bags.

The next big challenge is finding a sitter for the dog for one night while we make the family rounds for Christmas. With everything we've worked through, I'll find a way to figure that one out.

My favorite moment of the week was when Jacob ran up to me this weekend, puny with cold, grabbed my legs and said "ma ma." He's only ever said it once before, in September, and I can tell you with certainty, if he had asked me for anything in the world I'd have given it to him at that moment. He absolutely stole my heart. He repeated it tonight as I put him to bed and I wanted to keep him up all night asking him to say it over and over and over again.

Ah .... joy!

Update

2009-11-29T23:12:00.003-05:00

I've had no time to update and nothing really to say lately. I'm in a funk. Unhappy. Not sure the root cause though there is enough going on that I could name at least a handful of likely culprits. I'm trying not to be self-destructive. Trying to be constructive and continue to make progress towards my goals.

Atricion

2009-11-12T21:51:00.002-05:00

I wish they'd pass a law that said all owners of Pit Bulls had to neuter or euthanize all Pit Bulls or face a retarded silly amount of jail time and fines. Within 15 years we would eliminate the breed and all of the senseless suffering these dogs endure. Only 1 out of 600 Pits ends up in a happy home. The others are euthanized, abandoned or tortured in fighting rings. Yet right now, there are litters of Pits being born, females being bred ... just so there can be more pain and suffering.

I understand the fear of them. I don't allow my children to be around them because I can't risk it. But I don't blame the dogs. They are what we made them and they suffer our lack of humanity and selfishness.

All smiles

2009-11-11T20:50:00.002-05:00

I've got two babies so I'm still behind but boy oh boy am I doing better than I was. Loving this week so far. I'm happy to see what's in store for me tomorrow.

To sleep perchance to dream

2009-11-03T23:14:00.004-05:00

For some reason I cannot seem to get to bed before midnight these days. And unfortunately, the baby starts stirring around 4, which means I'm stirring around 4 and I'm running on fumes. How do I find the time to catch up on sleep? (not to mention chores, I am so over them)

Tonight it was work. Typically it's just the wind down. There is just so much to wind down from.

I've got Work on the brain. Family matters. Health Issues. Money. Unmade Decisions. There is just so much going on and it is so easy to drown. Hell, it's easy to let go and go under voluntarily at this point. I can sustain where I'm at for a while. I work better under pressure. But no more please. Jacob's progress is helping. It also shows we're doing the right things to motivate him. (Please God Please let my baby be okay.)

I've got to get my routine back at home and I need to find a rhythm at work.

At the moment, I just have to get some sleep. Good night.

The story of how I lost it

2009-10-31T23:22:00.002-04:00

This week could have sucked worse and I acknowledge that. But it tried hard and it definately kicked my ass. I don't remember Monday but Tuesday through Friday sucked the big one on every level and on every front. I just couldn't catch a break. Today I ran out of strength and broke down. I left the house in my pajamas, drove to McDonald's for coffee and sat in my car and cried for 30 minutes. I don't feel better but I don't feel worse so I guess you could say it helped.

I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is that you have to be strong all the time. With a baby in each arm and a husband waiting in the wings there is simply no time for me to pause and figure things out. I'm drained. Sucked dry.

ugh

2009-10-27T22:33:00.000-04:00

Today sucked ass.

All smiles

2009-10-26T23:43:00.001-04:00

My babies are home!

And the word of the day is ...

2009-10-25T22:21:00.002-04:00

And the word of the day is FRUSTRATED.

It is never the big things that make us lose that last little bit of sanity. It is the little things. The internet connection that doesn't work ... again.

My mom has the kids tonight. It is my first night away from Rylee. I'm missing them both so much. I need the break, for me and for all the stuff that needs to be done around the house (and isn't getting done). I don't think I know how to be anyone other than Mommy anymore. When they are with me, I talk about them. When they are away, I talk about them. I am them and they are me. I hope I can sleep tonight.

We decide this week when Jacob begins school. The naughty bug has bitten him a lot lately and I'm interested to see if school will make it better or worse. I know he'll experience rapid growth once he begins. I just hope we're ready for it.

Despite the frustration of having my hands full with the kids. Despite the frustration of being apart from my kids. Despite all the undone chores and unspoken stresses circling me. Despite my blinky eye and tennis elbow that illustrate my stress. I am thankful for it all. I am blessed more than words can ever express. I hope I handle my precious little angels with the care the gift deserves and I hope I do them justice and give them the tools and resources they need to grow and thrive.

Congrats Frank and Michelle on a beautiful start to your new life together.

Run Forrest Run

2009-10-20T21:00:00.001-04:00

Getting my butt stomped here lately. I had a great spell for a while keeping up with my chores and even got around to exercising ... once. Now I'm behind, behind, behind. I'm beat. Work is tearing me up and come home exhausted and too drained to do anything. Not to mention little miss giggles wants to be held ALL the time. All the good habits I started are gone. I need to get a break or something and find my inspiration to get it back together again. I feel like everything has fallen apart but honestly, nothing changed, it just caught up with me.

Torn

2009-10-15T21:24:00.002-04:00

I've hit that point where I'm overwhelmed and at what feels like my limits. I want to whine, I want to complain: money, daycare, fatigue, work, etc. But there are so many people with worries that I cannot even imagine. I need to be thankful I have the problems I have because they come along with more blessings than I can count.

Thank you God for everything.

Kids!

2009-10-11T21:13:00.002-04:00

Well, Jacob isn't talking yet but he did say a few words today:

Great Day (that means he wants to watch Fresh Beat Band)

and

Shit (That was Mommy's fault)

He also realized he can get up out of his big boy bed and roam as he pleases when it is nap or nite nite time.

Ah .... kids.

Resolutions and Reservations

2009-10-07T22:19:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to make some improvements to myself and how I operate.

Last week I adopted the No Soda challenge and have done pretty well. I've had a couple of diet dews but they are diet so they don't count as calories were my concern, not caffeine.

This week I stopped texting/emailing while driving. I know ... you don't have to tell me how idiotic it is. I know and I did it anyway because I get bored when I'm not multitasking. I just had to own that I don't want killing my children or someone else's to be one of my multitasks. Dumbass.

Tonight I hit the treadmill for 20 or so minutes. A weak start but a start. I'm hoping to quickly ramp that up but it is so out of the norm for me that the 20 minutes felt totally alien.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend some time looking at day cares. The last two days I've picked the kids up I can tell Debbie is at her wits end. Two all day all week is just too much for one person I think. This will be my second outreach to find options for Jacob. The first ended in many unreturned phone calls. It became a very disconcerting trend. If these places are this unresponsive to prospective customers, how attentive are they to our kids?

I got the message, no need to prove any points to me.

2009-10-04T22:01:00.005-04:00

We're studying the 10 Commandments at church. This morning Mike had a member of the staff tell a story relating to the sermon. It was of her firstborn child and the fatal disorder he was born with. Her story included the first year of his life, lived dreading an anuerism while waiting for a highly risky brain surgery. The surgery wasn't completed properly so his second year of life was spent dreading an anuerism while waiting for the opportunity to redo the botched first surgery. She never told us whether he survived. This probably means he didn't.

After reading Jill's blog last night about her stillborn daughter and hearing the testimony this morning regarding the ill and likely dead son, my normal mommy paranoia is at an all-time high. I'm afraid I'm being prepped for something. I pray the answer is NO.

I talked to my mom tonight and she said the church is coming to help mow grass because my stepdad is currently disabled. Three kids all with husbands or boyfriends and the church is having to mow their grass. I'm embarrased that I haven't offered to help. Keep in mind that I'm a state away with my hands full but between one of us (me and my sisters and our sig os) someone should have taken care of them. I'm on it now.

Time to go check on my sleeping angels.

*update* Just read a blog entry about a set of 2yr old twins who died in their sleep this week. No more. Please. My heart can't take it.

So lucky

2009-10-03T22:08:00.002-04:00

On Facebook I have run across the stories of two high school friends who have children who have either died or suffer from a life impacting disability. I read their stories and cry and cry for them. I cannot fathom their pain. Both stay positive and I have a respect and admiration for them I cannot even put into words.

I am so lucky and so blessed.

41 more years

2009-10-01T21:16:00.001-04:00

Retirement age is anywhere between 50-something to 75. With the current economy and my current financial situation more like 75. Do you know what that means? 41 more years

I think I'm going to go back to school. No idea where I'll find the time. I suppose I should see if I can fit in 30 minutes per day on the treadmill before I decide to take on a Master's program.

Don't look for reason in this.

One of those days/weeks

2009-09-29T21:42:00.003-04:00

I've been pretty cranky today. I should be happy, Rylee is all better and has actually been socializing for a change. I'm just overwhelmed. This weekend kind of socked it to me and I don't think I have fully recovered although there hasn't been any new bad news, really. I'm just annoyed and bothered by all the normal stuff and it's jacking my anxiety up.

I don't like not being in control. I've learned to roll with it and it typically doesn't bother me that much. I think the last week - few weeks - having kids - having a sick kid - have changed the playing field a bit. Having things happen to me or those close to me that I cannot control or should not control is becoming harder for me to deal with without stress and anxiety. It can be illness, it can be people's position on things/opinions, it can be actions they take that have nothing to do with me. It's just harder today than it used to be, than it usually is, than it should be. And if something happens that I can control, I obsess about it and control it to an extreme - to prove a point to someone - hell - them, me, not sure who. Even simple solutions I think about the problem and the solution, the problem and the solution, will it work, what if it doesn't, will it work, what if it does but no one acknowledges, problem, solution, problem, problem, problem. REAlly?

I need to find a way to clear my mind of stuff so I can let it go before my anxiety builds. I need to find my boring life again.

What I'm thinking about right now isn't my problem to solve and its owner doesn't think it's a problem. I need to let it go.

It's a zoo out there

2009-09-26T20:42:00.004-04:00

Today was the kids' first time at the zoo. It was a bit misty and we had to work around nap time but it will still a ton of fun. The turtle beat out the chimps and polar bear this time. We'll see who gets nominated next year.

I enjoyed the exercise since I am in desperate need of it and have not been able to get any regular calorie burning opportunities. I did see a lot of pictures of myself today (gag) and I desperately need some kind of workout. I'll see if I can get the treadmill going this week. That's my plan ... of course, I've been talking about it for weeks and have done nothing about it. Shame on me.

I am now sore and waiting for pics to upload so that I can go to bed. I have not done my chores so dishes, laundry and cat turds are left undone for the day. I'm feeling very guilty about it but I promise to tend to it in the morning. For now, I need a break.

My kid bit his first victim today - poor Nonni. Not thrilled to find out my son is a biter.

Kettle of Crazy

2009-09-24T19:59:00.001-04:00

I stirred the pot. Let see how things settle.

To take your mind off swine flu

2009-09-22T20:48:00.003-04:00

I sent my team a question of the day to take their mind off swine flu. Well it worked. Circle back to my previous comments about perpetually miserable people. It was certainly cloudy in Durham today.

I felt better today. Still feverish but not feeling so sick. Kati is confirmed as having swine flu. Rylee is now running a fever. Pray for us.

H1N1

2009-09-21T21:30:00.003-04:00

We have at least one confirmed case of Swine Flu at the office. Kati is out sick with flu-like symptoms. I'm sick with flu-like symptoms. I'm not in a panic and even if I had the energy to run around in circles waving my hands and screaming I wouldn't.

But.

I have two kids under two. I don't want them sick. I don't want them exposed to anything. I don't want any more trips to the ER watching my little tiny angels being poked and prodded. I want them happy and safe and healthy and cuddled up in my arms.

Do I send them away since I'm sick? Are they already exposed? How do you make that call?

Great day in spite of the dog

2009-09-19T21:02:00.003-04:00

When you're a parent the simplest things become the most important things. Today has been a great day despite the dumb ass dog ripping into the shitty diapers and spreading them around the house - AGAIN. Despite Jacob having a little teething fever. Despite Rylee's lingering thrush, eye infection and rough evening. Today was a wonderful day because my little boy is ready to move to a big boy bed. In addition to actually napping in the bed and then being super duper proud of himself, a capability that brings tears to my eyes because I really didn't think he was ready, at bedtime tonight he chose the big bed over his crib and crawled into it of his own accord. Huge accomplishment for a 16-month-old that I wasn't sure could comprehend the significance of being A Big Boy.

I can hear him lying there now, clicking his binky around and telling his nitenites to Hobbes. Today he has just been so good, so well-behaved, so grown up. I love him more today than I ever thought I could love anybody and I know tomorrow I'll love him even more.

Children go through spells of unfathomable growth and some weeks feel like years when you think of all the changes that have happened. This week Jacob started mimicking hands on hips, he picked up some of the old words he had and then lost, he gained a few extra words (even if he won't say them on command or with any regularity): yeah, baby, tickle, mama, he can walk down stairs without assistance, he is moving to his big boy bed, he is paying more attention to his sister. Rylee watches Jacob now, giggles a little and anticipates feeding when she sees a bottle or a boobie.

These are the joys I've waited for my entire life. This is what life is all about.

I'm back!

2009-09-19T13:43:00.011-04:00

I've been missing the blogging world for quite a while. A lot has changed, in my life and in me. So much has changed, in fact, that I'm not exactly sure how this will pan out. I don't really have a vision for it - just a jonesing for it. So here goes ...

Might as well start with the changes.

I'm a mommy now, times 2. Two in 2 years. Two under 2. Irish twins and boy are they! Rylee is like a little miniature clone of her brother Jacob (who is a miniature clone of me) - except for their temperaments. In that department they couldn't be more different. As I type this, both are napping, Jacob, in a big boy bed for the first time. I don't hear him clunking around his room so I assume it's going well.

Motherhood changes you. (thank you captain obvious). I've always been nurturing. I've always been the mother bear but it's in overdrive now. I make all of my decisions based on what is best for my kids and my family; the control freak in me kicked up about 100 notches. I don't tolerate distractions. I don't invite drama anymore (if you can possibly believe that). I lead a very boring and routine existence and that is the way I like it.

That said, my blogging will likely be very different than before. I still feel the things I used to feel and have many of the same thoughts and opinions but I'm less inclined to put myself and my family at risk by trusting and sharing. I am also, in general, less emotionally connected to the actions and opinions of others and tend to find interest and humor in others but am less often hurt, enraged - involved even.

My biggest drama at the moment is the extra $1000 per month in expenses that has plagued me the last two months and will likely repeat for at least the next 3, making sure we can fix Rylee's infection without wrecking her tummy any further, keeping my fingers crossed that another of my pets doesn't develop an expensive and life threatening ailment and finally, hoping this this blogger tool has spell check ....